You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
