I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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