It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
