she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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