He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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