oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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