the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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