I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
