she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
