Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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