he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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