apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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