Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
birth control should be required to get into college
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
