I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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