I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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