Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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