I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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