Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
