six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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