so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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