i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
