Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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