Christians are straight up FREAKS
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
