You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
