its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
