alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i think i have two assholes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
