Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
