I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
