when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize