youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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