Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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