Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
As shirtless as possible
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
