just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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