anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
