I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
