he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
