tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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