umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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