A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
