Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
