he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
