What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
