I wanna bring you to show and tell
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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