I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
