I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
