i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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