look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The uberlube is also flammable
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
