Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
