Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
FUCK WHALES
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