I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize