u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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