My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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