At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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