I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
