so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
