bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
