the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is Oprah even human
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
