i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
