I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think people are normalizing furries
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
