I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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