Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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