First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
