I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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